Journal Entry: September 2, 2006 --God of Ungulates
As I've mentioned and explained times before, I have a profound connection with cervids and antelope, although the conscious connection wavers in noticeable strength from time to time, but nevertheless it has been stronger this year than I recall it ever being, and it seems to have a strong relation to my faith and spirituality. I have already known for awhile now that avians in general are deeply connected to me spiritually and they compose most of my spirit guides throughout each year, but there appears to also be another deeply rooted connection to "ungulates" (for practicality's sake, I will be using the term "ungulate" in this to refer to just cervines and antelope; although the connection spans out beyond those two groups, it is focused much more on them). However, the ungulate connection doesn't manifest through means of many spirit guides that are ungulates, although I have had some which were, yet it seems like a relationship that includes spirit guides but also spans even beyond that in some form. This relation is not therianthropic, though it has confused me sometimes before and made me wonder if my horse side was cervine or antelope, or that I had an additional side that was one of those, along with the horse side; I don't, however, believe it really is therianthropic, but it is deep and it has very much to do with my spirituality and faith.
Today, a thought raced into my mind as I was browsing pictures online of elands and then kudus (with the preference for looking at the giant elands and greater kudus species), and I realized that I see and feel the same thing, the same "spirit" in them as I did in Elk, back in January this year; even though I was viewing pictures of them, not even seeing them in person (although I did see giant elands in person at the zoo, but not greater kudus), as opposed to my meeting with Elk, which was through a physical elk in real life. I can 'see' "Elk" in Kudu and Eland, and yet I'm not so sure it's just Elk that I'm sensing but rather something above and more encompassing than him--in essence, a much higher spirit, or even a deity. Yes, that thought that came to mind was that maybe I had been sensing, or sensing a connection to, a god of 'ungulates', with his energies being most prominent through elk, kudu, elands, among some possible others. Though, if it is a deity, I do not know as of yet how to refer to him other than the general "God of Ungulates", but maybe later on I will find better reassurance on this and find a better way to refer to him. I find it a shame that my artist's block has prevented me from depicting him in one of his more preferred forms through art, because I have been intrigued greatly to draw a male elk before, as also to draw a greater kudu and giant eland, and today I had the desire to draw them together on the same picture, to depict the different forms that all resonate the same distinct energy with/to me. I would love to be able to finally capture some of his essence in a drawing of one of those 'forms', yet so far it hasn't happened, and I don't know when it will.
He feels as a wonderful, and certainly powerful spirit with much to teach. He has powerful draws to the natural world, the plants and spanses of land covered in foliage (especially lush green; grasslands and forest, particularly), and through him, I become more able to see the wondrous beauty that can be found within the natural world in so many ways, from the survival abilities of animals, to the intriguing or aesthetically beautiful physical body designs/builds, patterns, and colors on animals, true deserts covered in sand and dunes, plants/foliage, and countless other things. Sure, I've had a love and appreciation in the natural world since I was a child, but until I developed my spirituality the first time (a couple of years ago), I couldn't see or appreciate it quite as well, and I didn't "feel" it nearly as much. Just seeing the sheer beauty of some of the colors and patterns found on some species of antelope fills me with amazement and appreciation. I can feel him sometimes through Horse, although she is not a manifestation of him, but just as Earth Element energies are drawn to me through her, particularly, this Ungulate God's energies can be drawn to me in a more conscious, noticeable way through Horse.
Something else that comes to mind, is that a few months ago I dreamt of many different animals suddenly appearing on my property, as I (in the dream) would speak to my mother and say what each was, and after I woke up I jotted down as many as I could remember but had forgotten some of them. Anyway, one of the very notable animals in the dream wasn't one that even exists, but I referred to it, also in the dream, as a "bearded oryx", as though it was an actual living species, but that 'bearded oryx' was the animal that I remembered the best and who left the strongest impression on me. I remember him resonating those "Elk energies" also, and I did end up drawing a simple depiction of him sometime that or the next day, though I had to guess on some of the markings on him because I couldn't clearly remember them well enough, yet the drawing I do have is just a simple profile view and it was moreso just for reference purposes to look back to so I could better remember how I want to depict him in a drawing in the future. I find that the picture doesn't do him justice and I do eventually want to make a real picture of him that shows and holds some of the 'essence' of him. As for what he looked like: he was of a gemsbok's build, was about the height of an American elk (wapiti; the elk I've been mentioning throughout this), had the horns of a gemsbok, I guessed in my drawing that he had leg and face markings somewhat similar to that of a gemsbok, and instead of a grey coat it was more of a light 'sulphur yellow' (can't think of a good term for it) but it was a greyish-yellow, and the most prominent feature on him was his "beard"/mane, which draped from the back of his jaw down to the beginning of his chest, with straight medium-length hair (at least 5-6 inches, though maybe more) and there were 2 stripes of bold white and black that ran parallel along the mane; he was certainly a beautiful animal, in my eyes. And I recall him approaching me, as he walked up to within a couple of feet or less of me, which made the experience in the dream even more awe-inspiring.
Antelope are one of the largest parts to my draw toward Africa, and until this year, I didn't realize just how diverse the category of antelope is, yet again, I think it is an amazing and beautiful group of animals, from their hooves and legs, to their coats and patterns, to their ears, horns, and many other aspects of them. And cervines are also greatly amazing and beautiful in my eyes. I feel that there is much I can learn from them, spirit guides of these ungulates, and especially the god of them. I have felt him call to me before, many times, but maybe it's time that I actually listen, more than I ever did, and maybe he can help me discover how to better listen to some of the other deities, among other spirits, and beginning my journey of regaining my faith and spirituality by starting with understanding and embracing my relationship with him seems like an intriguing and wonderful place to start. As I mentioned in an earlier entry [not on this site], a month or so ago, I want to remember how to 'listen' again, and to finally be able to embrace relationships with the Spirits, with deities, with my faith and spirituality, and even myself, more than I ever have before; I want this to be that time, and I don't want to fall back down to where I was before when I made that distressed entry.