Journal Entry: 3/23/2006 –More Thoughts on Horse

I love having a horse therioside, however, it’s the worst one of my three to have sometimes.  The stronger horse “mental shifts” I get are most often bad ones to have, particularly because she’s so edgy and anxious during them–and that means that I’m, of course, feeling that way during them, just on a level that feels really uncomfortable, sometimes almost terrifying.  I hate having shifts like that, they’re really unpleasant to have.  The “running with the herd”, or just “flight/running” (without specifically desiring to be with a herd) can be a strange mixture of wonderful and painfully upsetting sometimes because I *know* (obviously) that I can’t fulfill those instinctual desires, and yet the desires themselves and the phantom shifts with them feel so wonderful and I deeply wish during them to be able to give into them.  The horse mind is quite different in a number of ways from my human, cat, and canid ‘minds’ (even avian, too), and it presents some impractical and emotionally painful clashing sometimes when my horse side is prominent.  During the bad shifts (which tend to most often be at school, have been since at least high school, if not before) I feel trapped and terrified, not all the way through me, just part of me, and even though I’m not and never have been claustophobic, it makes me think of claustophobia–and particularly of being held against my will, while whinnying, rearing and kicking my front hooves, slinging my head, and desperately wanting to get free, to run out in the open away from the restricted, uncomfortable area I’m in.  To get a better idea of what images (just some of them) of Horse appear in my mind and what it feels like for me I’ll use an excerpt from one of my poems from a year ago:

“Within my chest I feel the immense power of Horse;

Her muscles are my muscles,

And I can feel each tense as she runs across invisible space,

And as she paws and kicks her great hooves through the air.

My ribcage shudders as it is pounded time after time

In a vicious cycle of repetitious fury.

The Horse violently slams her body

Into the steel cage of my bones;

Sending shockwaves through my spine and into my mind.

I watch in terror and helplessness

As Horse continues with the thrashing;

Slinging her powerful neck and head back

As her eyes roll back and up to reveal only white.

Lashed from the eyes and thrown through the air are glassine drops

That shatter upon impact of the frigid ground.

Her mouth swings open to reveal a gaping void

From which a deafening, shrill cry is expelled.

This terror does not end, though,

It only repeats day after day;

Shredding away her body’s remains

Until she is granted the freedom she yearns for;

The freedom she should naturally have.”

Although that may not seem very emotional to much of anyone, it is powerfully vivid and painful (to some extent) to me when I think about it.  There used to be an image that I would get back in high school, for years, although it showed up rarely and always only lasted a few seconds, but the image was of a dark area with a horse halfway or more submerged (the backend half) in a tar-like liquid while trying to pull itself out with its forelegs only partially pulled out, and its head slung up and partially to the side, whinnying desperately with eyes almost rolling back from the terror–not an image I ever liked, especially on the account that I got the emotions along with it that the horse in the image felt, although luckily only for the very brief time that the image lasted.  I guess, just as Cat embodies a large portion of my sexual aspects, Horse embodies a fair portion of my anxiety, some of my fears (strong or mild; Horse almost blows some of them out of proportion because they don’t bother me much until I get horse mental shifts), and some other things in the ‘darker’ areas, although not depression and such things as that.  Yet, Horse also embodies some of my strength and determination, my mental and physical endurance–sure it probably sounds kind of totemic, but I can learn from non-therian sides/aspects of myself too, it isn’t just reserved for ones I see as being part of my theriosides, and they are aspects of myself and all of them (human, cat, canid, and horse, even with some avian in there but in a different way) make up the entire whole known as my “self”.  My theriosides seem to ’embody’ different aspects of me, however they are not limited to just those areas, they have parts spread out all over my ‘self’.