Journal Entry: 6/24/2006 –Significance of who and what I am, and finding my theriotypes
To me, I’m not just what I am but also who I am, and who I am goes beyond any amount of words I could ever speak or type, and it is a lifelong, ever-building ‘thing’, as also what I am can be defined by labels upon labels and words for the massive things defining aspects of me, some changing, some stationary. My theriotypes are not just *what* I am, they are also part of *who* I am, just as my human self is and all aspects it encompasses. Yet, I’m not much of a person to leave such deep parts of myself purely on “autopilot” and not investigate into them somewhat. I cringe at the thought of me going through my life on such an autopilot mode, in which, to certain extents, I have done that numerous times for things that are deep parts of me. For most of my life I have simply *lived* my therianthropy, but as I’ve stated in one of my essays, I lived it like I was a “catatonic soul” because I left myself on that autopilot mode and refused to even look into it and question it.
Therianthropy, the concept, doesn’t interest me so that I can slap a label on my forehead of “I’m a therianthrope”, but by joining the community and reading others’ thoughts and experiences I’ve given myself more and more reason to delve deeper into myself, into understanding aspects of myself, and not just saying “I’m a [blank] therian” or some such thing, but figuring out what it all means to me, how I experience it, among other things about it. If it was about the labels for me, I’d drop the introspection and go with what seemed “right” without me even realizing if that’s what really is “right” to me, or just me wanting to jump to the finish line and prance around with a new, shiny label of this or that. My therian introspection is actually an enticing and wonderful journey and challenge to me, and I continue to do it for myself, no one else, and this challenge can’t just be defined as “finding my theriotypes’ species specifics”, but that I can use that supposed “goal” as an aspect to the overall journey, or rather, use it as a tool to help me introspect about my theriosides, most of all, but even other parts of myself aside from those.
My therianthropy is an important “subject” in my life, of myself, that I’ve focused on greatly over the past year and a half or so, but it’s far from being the *only* thing I focus on and think about. I run through regular “trends” of focusing on one or two things, sometimes for just one or a few days, sometimes weeks or months (all while obviously living and thinking about a vast variety of other things during those times), and honestly, I’m the only one who knows how long those trends stay, how often or long I focus on them, or other such details, and I present very little of them to other people, as also, different people see different things based on what I choose to present to them. If my current trend at some time is focusing on my spirit guides, I could probably spend hours each day thinking about or babbling on about them, though few people would likely hear me even mention them unless I feel like making some parts of my thoughts on that subject be known to certain people. I have a casual, boring life with few interesting things that go on in it, and it takes up a large portion of my waking hours, but there’s nothing worth babbling on (in my opinion) about it to anyone who has no interest in hearing about my casual life, or I feel I’m not acquainted with them in a way or to a level that I feel like doing it.
Depending on who you are, how well you know me and in what ways, and where you see me speaking at a given time frame, I could seem like a person wound up in *only* my therianthropy and “narrowing down my theriotype species”, or caught up in *only* school, bird watching, spirit guides, things humorous to me, my “love life”, and so forth, but when it comes down to it, *no one* ever sees and knows the full breadth of who and even what I am except for me, and even I have a huge amount to figure out in that area, and what I would like to figure out isn’t always going to be through just living my life and aspects on “idle”. If I feel like delving into thinking about my therianthropy, spirituality, career future, or whatever, I do so, and I never let it *define* anywhere remotely close to who and what I am entirely—it’s some other person’s call as to whether they actually feel certain things “define” me, and what they tend to think of when they think of me in some way, but I don’t speak of my life and my experiences for the sake of being defined and labeled by others or myself; I do it because I want to, for whatever reason I may have at the given time.
I’ve found that since I came to the “semi-conclusion” (as in, high possibility that I find confirming until I find evidence otherwise) that my horse-type “looks” like a buckskin with probably a black dorsal stripe (and et cetera details), it hasn’t changed shit about *how* I experience and live Horse, nor how I, per se, “view” Horse. In fact, the coloration thing came up without me even *trying* much to figure it out, it just hit me strangely and it was confirming, but it’s not like it has caused me to just up and drop any interest and focus I have had in my horse side prior to that coloration realization, if anything, it’s enticed me to delve deeper into introspection regarding Horse. It’s also not as though it has given me some new, profound obsession with buckskin horses—I’m not plastering everything I have with them, I’m not drawing them like crazy (although I would love to, at some point, draw out a depiction of “myself” as my horse self), I’m not staring at pictures of them to no end, and so on—instead, I am still living Horse as I was before then and I’ve, essentially, just gained a bit more knowledge about my horse self that’s far from defining or encompassing the entirety of it (and I may never even consciously realize the entirety of it, along with my feline, canine, and human ‘selves’).
This whole “species specifics” thing to me really isn’t what it’s probably appeared as at times from me, or how it is depicted often times in the community (intentionally or not), it’s not some *sole* goal regarding my therianthropy, it’s far from that, and I enjoy being able to use it as a tool to keep me motivated and focused when it feels good or right to do so, but just because I reach the “species goal” for one of my theriotypes doesn’t mean I should just stop there if I had interests and actively looked into other parts of my therianthropy pertaining to that therioside. Why should it be *only* about the species specifics? And actually, I’ve met many who don’t view it as just being about those things and they do delve deep and think about *who* they are as that animal-type, not just about the *what* they are as it.