“On Being Monster-Hearted” (5/28/2018)
I haven’t yet used the term “-kith/-hearted” for myself, maybe because I didn’t know what connection of mine was personally fitting of the term/concept. There are numerous animals which I hold deep, lasting connections with that aren’t theriotypes: crows, antelopes, red canids (dholes, Ethiopian wolves), among some others that are maybe less strong. But I realized this year there’s something that fits much better the –kith concept for me.
“Monsters”, most especially animalistic humanoids, are a part of my life & self in a different but essential way than those animal connections I mentioned above. Those other connections are primarily spiritual and symbolic but are rather limited in the number of ways they impact me and my life. With ‘monsters’, the connection has been there consistently since early childhood and, simply put, *pervades* my life and self, even when I’ve tried to push it away or to substantially hide it from nearly anyone (for most of my life, as I’ve been scared of what others would think and how they’d act toward me if they knew of this monstrous connection within me).
I do believe that my vampire ‘kintype (with it being an animalistic humanoid) is part of the way I experience this connection, this monster-heartedness, in an even deeper, internal way that is part of how I identify myself—part of my very self-concept. Did the vampire ‘type come first or the monster connection? I don’t know, but I’m suspicious the connection came first and later in my childhood I probably developed my vampire ‘kintype, maybe as a way to “internally” manifest that connection so that it became so prevalent and deep as to become something *I am* (non-physically). I therefore became not only *connected with* monsters, but *became one* myself; albeit only internally/mentally.
My soul is therefore part monster through being vampire’kin but also through other ways monstrosity pervades its connection through me. I’m drawn to humanoid-monstrous media of nearly whatever type, deeply looking to satiate some drive of that connection dealing with empathy, I suppose—to see myself in place of the given media’s monster. It affects my sexuality and sex drive; so yes, I am a type of teratophile. It affects my preference for attributes in my original humanoid characters. I find it expressing (or wanting to express) through my visual art muse, no matter how certain other people may look down on that kind of art. I even sometimes feel phantom parts of monsters that I don’t identify as (gills being a main one).
This connection is something lifelong that I feel down into my core, reverberating through my bones and mind, that sings itself into my writing anymore, and nestles into my lungs and heart, providing a brighter, better quality of *life-blood* and *essence* to that which is myself, what I do, what I believe, need, and want, and who I am from surface to core. This is something I’ve spent all but the last few years (via writing) completely hiding from all others in this world around me—out of shame and fear, because it’s about monsters, after all. That and I fear it getting convoluted with the wrong concept of monsters, as, to me, this is far from being about those “monsters” who are humans or creatures which act evil, cruel, and vile—I am *not* that kind of monster, nor feel connected to that concept.
So yes, now I’ve found a term and concept that expresses this monster connection of mine, even though, I imagine, others won’t understand the extent and depth I mean when I say “I am monster-hearted/-kith” unless they read this writing here. But here’s to hoping I manage to find others of similar mind and connection, even if maybe only connected to one or a few animalistic humanoids, because honestly, I’ve lived my whole life alone with this and to find one or a few other people of like-mind could be a wonderful relief.