“Celesvogel” (7/19/21)

Honestly, I expected to wait at least several weeks, if not months, before making this writing, as I figured I’d have to do so much introspection and a lot of letting the thoughts just sit and simmer for an extended time before I would feel at all confirmed about saying I have a sixth ‘kintype.  But I also realized that I can trace back feelings and experiences of this ‘type for over twenty years and I’ve actually been thinking on and off for the past few months what kind of alterhumanity I experience in regards to angels, especially since angel-hearted just didn’t seem to fit enough (though I may be angel-hearted, too, or it could just fall under the larger “monster-heartedness” I experience in relation to animalistic humanoids).  Once I actually stopped to question why I wasn’t ever considering myself to have an angel ‘kintype and realized my reasoning basically came down to it “being too symbolic” in origin and that now I don’t see that as a valid sole reason to exclude it as a ‘kintype, a flood of thoughts came in and occupied my mind for the better part of a day relating to this angel aspect and why it may be a ‘kintype for me.

I did question if it’s really even an integral, deep part of myself and my identity and I realized the experiences I’ve had that provide a “yes” in answer to that.  This is rather different than the processes I went through to figure out my other ‘kintypes (as either what kind of animal/creature they are or in just verifying to myself whether they were ‘kintypes or something else), but I feel like I sort of ‘blocked off’ part of my angel self, I created a kind of dam from recognizing it as the level and type of aspect it now seems to have always been, or at least developed into many years ago.  Sure, I fully admit I could be wrong about this and maybe months or years down the road I will change my mind and realize this aspect isn’t a ‘kintype.  But for now, I feel comfortable and good about believing it is a ‘kintype.

Because this kind of angel is so different from how most angelkin describe being such, even though it does hold notable similarities to popular and historical concepts of angels, so I’ve decided to coin my own ‘species’ term for it: celesvogel (based on celestial and the German word for bird, “vogel”).  Heck, I already coined a species-specific term for my vampire ‘type and theropod ‘type, so this is basically right in line with that and allows me to more easily specify what kind of angel I’m talking about in my writing.  Although it does seem to be largely based on my personal symbolic associations with the concept of angels, the experience itself is more than just symbolic.  I’ve put together information about celesvogels based on my experiences and on, essentially, noemata I have of them–an intuitive knowledge that I pieced together through questioning different attributes and such of them.

I read what various other angelkin described as being the main attributes of what makes angels actually angels and found that though I related to and agreed with some of it, there was a lot I didn’t.  In particular, most of them I read had largely Abrahamic, especially Christian, concepts of angels which I don’t connect with.  I do not view celesvogels as being “servants of a monotheistic God”, or probably to any deities–they aren’t servants, at least not as followers in service to something.  They don’t act the way they do because a higher power commands them to, they do it because that is how they are mentally and instinctively wired to act.  They do hold some similarities in mind to that of humans, but they are far from mentally (let alone in body or power) being humans and shouldn’t be thought of as needing to act in a way that is “more human”.  Due to their total lack of want, need, or ability to reproduce (they don’t have reproductive organs, for one, nor any other means to reproduce), I deciphered that they are probably created by some form of deity or other powerful entity, but not in the sense to be servants to that entity.  Rather, they fulfill a purpose intended by the deity through their acts, behaviors, and instinct because that is just how they are as creatures, even without them having any knowledge or concept whatsoever of that particular deity or any deities, let alone them having conscious knowledge that what they are doing is specifically because a deity *wills* it.  They are as much servants of a deity as whatever organism, including humans, are servants to evolution.  They don’t act as they do because they are commanded to, they do it because it is in their inherent nature.

This, however, makes the concept of their free will kind of grey.  I feel like they do have the ability to make at least some choices freely while others they do because that’s just how they are wired and they don’t even have the want to go against them.  Again, this goes back to what I mentioned earlier to not try to “humanize” them–just because extensive free will is so important to us as humans, that doesn’t mean it holds the same weight for all creatures, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  A creature doesn’t have to be oh-so human mentally and behaviorally in order to be “valid”, let alone good or even helpful.  I feel that, ultimately, they still choose to make the actions they do toward or about a charge or whatever is in their stewardship–they still have to balance complex situations with questions of morals and ethics, including in ways that, honestly, I don’t fully understand right now–I feel I am part celesvogel, not fully one, when it comes down to it.  Their actions have consequences, whether good, bad, or otherwise, and the actions of their charges have consequences, too, which the celesvogels have to weigh what to do or not to do.  They have the ability to think and reason, and to learn from circumstances.  To my understanding, they can’t “fall” since that would kind of go against what I described above.

The concept of angels as messengers of the divine doesn’t resonate to me for celesvogels, at the least not in any kind of direct sense of being messengers.  Again, technically they may ultimately be tools, instruments, of a divine being to do whatever work it sees fit, and through that they could be seen as ‘delivering divine messages’ to their charges.  Their duties involve things like stewardship to things, such as environments and ecosystems, as also being guides and/or guardians to charges (whether human or not), and even act as inspiration/creative muses.  I also wouldn’t really call them warriors, but they can be very determined and fierce, especially when it comes to protecting something or someone.  They aren’t mindless creatures of instinct either, nor are they devoid of emotion and personality–they have a spectrum of emotions, and such helps them bond further with and protect their charges, and they each have their own particular personality.  I don’t think they have things like rank/hierarchy, including archangels, though they seem to have different roles based on the particular kind of duty they are doing (sentry, caretaker, guide, steward, etc.) that can vary over the course of their lives.  Celesvogels also aren’t “fluffy” in what they do–they aren’t perfect beings, nor are they totally benevolent, and if anything they act as helpers and possibly balancers.

In regards to their bodies and appearance, they have incorporeal bodies rather than physical ones and have mental and spiritual abilities to allow them to communicate with physical beings.  They are also capable of flight.  I’m unsure what their forms would look like, beyond having feathered, bird-like wings on their backs, though I tend to think they have some level of shapeshifting ability–to what extent I don’t currently know, but their body form except for their wings seems to me almost arbitrary and not a big part of who, what, and the way they are.  I think they aren’t particularly social with one another either and they are totally asexual and aromantic.  Gender is also either null to them or fluid in the sense of changing based on shifting their forms.  They also sometimes vocalize in what sounds like song–kind of like language-less choir singing.  Perhaps they do it as one form of communication with their charges or even for the sake of self-expression.

Even though I don’t consider celesvogels to be “warriors” proper, I feel like they were still fierce protectors against incorporeal threats and with that they at times wielded swords or perhaps other melee weapons to use.  I sometimes feel like I should be skilled in some kind of melee weaponry, and can feel the weight of a sword or some other weapon from my hand or sitting across my shoulder along with some objects evoking that sensation more when I hold them.  I don’t feel remotely similar about ranged weapons, especially guns, and have retained a strong preference in fighting games toward using certain kinds of melee weaponry (particularly fond of the “Soul Calibur” game series).  I remain unsure for now about whether celesvogels would receive any weaponry or fighting training or if they would just have innate knowledge of good ways to fight.  I know when it comes to me in fighting games I am a button-masher who doesn’t take time to think carefully about the opponent’s moves and blocking or parrying them, but this is probably a lot because of my slow cognitive processing, so I actually can’t think fast enough to react to the opponent’s moves properly.  I would like to think I could think and react faster as an actual-in-body angel.  This weaponry aspect is also why the few original characters I have are wielders of melee-style weapons even though they live in a time similar to our modern era of technology and advanced guns.  Though I don’t have the money nor great enough reason to seek out training to use some kind of melee weapon in real life.

Also on the subject of my OCs, my main one possesses some qualities of celesvogels.  Actually, one of her names is “Angellore”, which was based on a Tristania song of the same name in which I first envisioned her.  She’s a shapeshifter with a human, partially human, and fully nonhuman form, and she is a mix of human, domestic cat, and crow.  In her partially human form, she has white (or mainly white) feathered wings on her back, a cat’s tail, claws, pointed ears, fangs, some feathers on the upper portion of her face, and solid black eyes.  She wields a bladed staff and sharpened sais as her weapons.  Angellore is also able to fly in that partially human form and is basically an “airbender” (to borrow a term from the “Avatar: The Last Airbender” universe).  But it’s really just certain aspects of her personality and behavior, and the mix between feline, avian, and human which make her feel kind of “angelic”-based to me, especially a similarity to celesvogels in particular.  My own experiences in being angel are marked by a similar such mix of avian, human, and other creature (perhaps feline–I already experience that from my cat theriotype and from my vampire ‘kintype, so it’s too hard to decipher currently); a blend of human and nonhuman animal.

Knowing all this, I honestly don’t even think these beings ever actually existed in this realm/universe, but heck, perhaps they could have or do.  For me, this is a psychological experience, like my other ‘kintypes.  As I have read and skimmed over various posts and forum threads about angelkin I feel a lack of a sense of belonging amongst them, for the most part.  I can’t relate to the religious nor deity-based things, but even still, I’ve never actually found a notable sense of belonging in the therian and otherkin communities either, despite my care for them and irregular activity within them (I’ve always mostly lurked rather than been active).  It’s interesting though that both my vampire and angel ‘types in some way keep me connected to the therian and otherkin communities–through my vampire ‘type I get times of being filled with wanting to have more of a voice and confidence in myself, and through angel I feel like trying to help others in some significant way.