“My Angel Aspect” (7/18/21)
So a thought occurred to me regarding why I don’t consider myself to have an angel ‘kintype. And really, I’m not sure I have a good reason (for myself). This isn’t me, to clarify, stating that I do have an angel ‘kintype, at least not yet, it’s me being in the early stages of questioning just what I thought I “knew” about this angel aspect and trying to figure out what kind of alterhumanism experience I think it fits with best. Previously, up to this point, I’ve always just attributed, for example, my “angel-like” feathered phantom wings on my back (which I get relatively frequently and have had them since my early teens) to personal symbolism, along with other “angelic” (that’s just the association I’ve always had with them) aspects of myself. But now I’m wondering why I have to believe that just because something *is* personally symbolic to me that it necessarily can’t also be a ‘kintype.
It’s just, I suppose, that with my five known ‘kintypes, they feel more ‘solid’, more ‘literal’ in a way that’s hard to describe, especially in contrast to how my angel aspect feels. It’s kind of like, I can look at each of those ‘kintypes and sort of ‘match’ up or align them to particular creatures: two known to actually exist (cat and horse), two seemingly likely to exist (a certain, unknown, kind of mongoose, and erdenvogel, an undiscovered theropod), and one (vampire) that fits a specific rendition of a fictional species that I came up with (blutpirs). Angel, however, is something more “ethereal”, so to speak, in how I currently and so far understand it, and I’m unsure how much it even aligns to my own creative/original concept of angelic creatures. Perhaps just a stray thought, but then again, maybe there’s something to it–that maybe it’s something between being a ‘kintype and something else at this point and that if I made an attempt (long-term) to sort of ‘nurture’ those aspects, it may fully become a ‘kintype. I really don’t know yet.
What even are the particular experiences and aspects of ‘angel’ that I have? Most notable are the phantom wings I mentioned. I think I used to ‘see’/understand them as all-black back in high school, but sometime in 2004 or 2005 around the time I began to develop my spirituality and generally introspected more back then, my perception of them turned to them being all white. Anymore, I don’t have a particular color understanding of them, or it’s mild or fluctuates–kind of more similar to how I “see” the colors (or lack thereof) of my ‘kintypes. Originally, I would get them in association with times I felt or wanted to be “protective” of someone–I’d feel and see them wrapping around or against who I wanted to protect or comfort, including myself, and I associated them with being crow wings (Crow is a main life-guardian of mine). Eventually, they occurred more often but typically felt associated with symbolism of hope and freedom and appeared white. Now, they do still seem to be associated with mainly positive feelings, like still hope, freedom, and generally uplifting feelings, but also confidence and at times seemingly no symbolic associations, kind of like how I experience my theropod arm-wings. They just don’t seem as heavily symbolic as they used to be, come to think about it, and that hasn’t caused them to go away or occur less, I’ve noticed.
My angel aspect is also associated a lot with a certain sense of duty and responsibility, primarily in the form of helping, guidance, and to an extent stewardship (to those or that which is “in my care” as also in an environmentalism sense). It’s also associated with determination and possibly passion, along with sentryism and protecting others. Again, it mainly manifests in the form of these symbolic associations rather than more ‘direct’, ‘solid’, or ‘literal’ experiences like me being therianthropically an animal or being vampirekin. I “feel” angelic during times associated with these symbols. And I’ve happened to pretty much always just intuitively understand these things as being associated with angels. To clarify, I don’t personally see angels as just “humans with wings”, nor as being tied to religion or worship, though I do see them as being tied to spirits and spirituality to some extent. Now I wonder if this symbolic conception of angels is basically how I personally understand them–that they, as beings and creatures, are in large part made up of these traits that I’ve associated with my angel aspect, which is a stark contrast to my known ‘kintypes which are experienced heavily in the form of “being animal”, especially body and behavior focused aspects and experiences, or mental shifts to a different kind of mindset such as a vampire mentality.
Perhaps I haven’t been able to recognize these angelic experiences as possibly being otherkin-related because I haven’t been looking the right way, as I’ve been looking through a lens of animality instead of a more open concept for a creature that, in some ways I do see as animalistic, but that mentally and behaviorally it is more different than I’ve tended to think my experiences of being other-than-human could or would be. What if being angel, for me, isn’t much about body except in regards to wings, but is much more about certain mental traits? That these angelic creatures aren’t preoccupied with eating, drinking, reproducing, establishing or defending territory, or with really socializing with their own kind, nor are they preoccupied with many other more mundanely human things, because they don’t experience these things–they are foreign concepts to these creatures. Their ‘purposes’ and lives, their minds and personalities, are entirely built around traits like I described above, which is honestly so different to how I experience being therian and vampire, it’s kind of no wonder I wouldn’t expect to even consider angel as a possible ‘kintype. Even though these “angelic traits” are all traits that humans can and do experience, they aren’t exclusively human, in my view, and the difference between them being angel traits verses ‘just human’ traits is that with angel, as I noted, they are what makes them the beings they are, they are *defining* of them, at their core.
This all better helps me conceptualize what my angel aspect is like, but it will take more time and introspection for me to answer whether it is a ‘kintype or some other form of alterhumanism. I really have to think more on if I feel this aspect is an integral part of myself. I do wonder, though, that if I can find ways to better embrace and sort of ‘nurture’ this aspect, will it ever come to be more “fleshed out” and possibly include more understanding of or experiences of body form and body-oriented behavior, possibly something more similar to the animalistic-bodied humanoids I tend to see angels as. I also wonder if this will help at all with my spirituality and general work to improve my life and self. I’ll just have to see how this journey goes.