“Fragments” (6/21/21 & 12/2/21)

I’ve written previously years ago about how my otherkinity manifests through “fragmented” ‘kintypes (link) in the sense that I only experience ‘fragments’ (pieces or parts) of the whole creature for each of my ‘types–I don’t experience a fuller, more whole sense of each creature.  Recently I’ve been thinking about another manner in which my ‘types are fragmented, which ties directly into the former kind of fragmentation.  Because I only experience parts of my ‘types, there are only particular aspects of myself and my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that those parts are tied to.  These are various kinds of experiences, including but not limited to shifts, that a given ‘kintype of mine will be present and active during and that particular aspect of that given ‘type may only manifest through that specific kind of experience.

Some of these fragments I have lost over time and due to things like physical disabilities and chronic mental illness, especially in regards to my mongoose theriotype.  Honestly, it’s been my mongoose ‘type that has taken the hardest hit in regards to losing fragments of it.  There’s the possibility, however, that I may be experiencing a profound, long-term dormancy of mongoose that has lasted years, but I’m more apt to think I just have lost numerous ways in which I used to experience being mongoose.  Sometimes I do feel a sense of experiencing mongoose, but it’s uncommon anymore, with only a seemingly few aspects or fragments left.  Or maybe mongoose is somehow more integrated with human and so I just have a harder time distinguishing mongoose experiences as such.  I really don’t know yet at this point.

Specific fragments of mongoose that I’ve lost are related to physical and mental disability.  I used to walk around and stand on the balls of my feet when at home–it was my default way of walking and standing, and when I did it, I could feel myself as mongoose, poised up on my toes akin to a meerkat stance.  But due to changes in how I stand and walk, I eventually just stopped going on the balls of my feet and anymore I can’t really do it if I wanted to because of a chronic issue with a tendon in each foot that affects the arches–so if I do it, I end up causing myself pain.  Chronic depression (dysthymia) has also taken its toll on me and seemingly suppressed or removed bits of my mongoose ‘type that I have no idea if I will ever regain them.  Why it has hit my mongoose theriotype the hardest, I do not know, because my five other ‘kintypes seem barely affected–pretty much just subdued for a few years to some notable extent but since I got on a better medication regimen, they’ve been more noticeable experiences (even if not to the extent they used to be, years ago before my depression damaged my life and self so much).  I used to be able to more frequently see and feel myself in my mind’s eye as mongoose, experiencing body-thought and having phantom sensations associated with mongoose, but now it’s rather uncommon.

Though I do recall thinking before that of my theriotypes (so excluding the very humanoid but cat-like vampire ‘type, and excluding my angel ‘kintype), mongoose blended in the most with my human aspects, for whatever reason–it was still distinctly mongoose and somehow close to human.  And with my depression, I’ve lost pieces of, basically, my human self–nullified, subdued, or totally lost.  Mongoose, for me, is a social thing–bonded strongly to that which is “family” and to my “mate”, yet for years I’ve been left with only my mate and one other person I see as family, so that social aspect has been reduced from what it was (primarily through a lack of friendships–regardless of whether I would consider a given friend part of my “true family”, they were an important part of my mongoose ‘pack’).  Mongoose is also an anxious, high-alert, sentinel–a watch-guardian–but, ironically, my social anxiety disorder has improved some in certain ways via safely doing particular tasks that used to get me on high-alert, like being out in public to shop.  I now am not as self-conscious nor as alert about other people when I go out shopping–whether I go by myself or with my mate.  So mongoose doesn’t come through much in those situations anymore.  I also don’t feel like I need to be on guard for *someone else* much anymore.  But I don’t even really feel mongoose when I’m shopping in regards to it being similar to ‘foraging’ like I used to.  Previously, when shopping, I’d be much more apt to see myself head-bobbing as a mongoose, searching out particular food, but not much at all now.  I haven’t even really felt like a mongoose when standing in cold weather, arms gently drooped toward my front, in the pockets of my coat, like I used to.

I do miss feeling more like a mongoose and I hope this isn’t a permanent thing or worse, that I lose that theriotype altogether (sometimes I do wonder if it’s even still a theriotype).  Ideally, I would like to find ways to sort of ‘nurture’ this aspect of myself back to be more prominent, even if it may still never be as prominent or regular to experience as my other ‘kintypes.  For now, though, I’m unsure exactly how to do that or if attempts will even work.  Perhaps I should revisit reading my “The Watch Guardian” essay on Mongoose (spiritual) symbolism and try to work with Mongoose as an animal guide to see if any of that helps revive old or create new fragments to my mongoose theriotype.  Just something for me to consider, but due to depression, I’m still very out of touch with my own spirituality and therefore my animal guides.  But maybe it’s an integration thing and I might find ways of better recognizing myself as mongoose despite the integration.

When it comes to cat and blutpir (my vampire ‘type), they are still ones I experience relatively commonly to a noticeable extent.  However, they used to be prevalent especially during sexual times but due to sexual anhedonia (very likely from my depression) that I’ve had for years, I don’t experience cat or blutpir during sexual activity.  And now that I’m asexual and kind of sex aversed again, it’s rare for me to even do anything sexual, let alone actually feel any felinity during it (which has been completely zero for years now).  So I’ve lost those fragments, possibly permanently, and that disappoints me, to say the least.

When it comes to my angel ‘kintype, I still regularly experience phantom shifts and body-thought of my wings but my chronic depression took a toll on me experiencing the more mental-based aspects of my angel ‘type.  However, I can still look back on previous times in years past of what it felt like to be more angel-like.  When my spirituality was active and when I felt a sense of devotion and passion toward something, especially in trying to help someone or something, I felt much more angelic.  It’s hard to say whether those experiences will be recovered over time, yet I hope they will.  They were an important part of my life and that which makes me who I am–I feel like I have since become a notably different person, contorted and distorted from how I used to be, and really, when it comes down to it, I *am* partially a different person, even though some parts have thankfully remained the same.  Heck, even the fact that I remember those times in such a positive way and would like them back likely means I still retain a good part of the core of who I was back then.

In regards to having these fragments at all of my ‘kintypes, I tend to think that it has a lot to do with having so many ‘kintypes (six), plus being human (not just physically), as opposed to if I only had one or two ‘kintypes.  For whatever reason, as I grew up and matured, my mind developed these multiple ‘kintypes and various aspects of myself became associated with a particular ‘kintype.  This resulted in me experiencing ‘fragmented’ versions of these different creatures, which I don’t mind for the most part but sometimes when I read some other people’s experiences in being much less fragmented, more ‘whole’ creatures, I get a little envious and wish I could experience that.  I don’t know what it’s like to be just feline or just feline and human, for example–to live my life through a constant or near constant lens of both feline and human.  I mean, I do feel it to some extent, but not with the breadth that I see so many ‘kin describe.  Yeah, I know I shouldn’t compare and contrast my experiences in such a way to others’, but I just want to be honest that this is a way I *sometimes* (not often) feel, and that I imagine some of it is also due to my depression messing with my mind and self.  Nevertheless, I am thankful for the fragments of nonhumanity I *do* have and hope that they are retained within me for a long time to come.