Journal Entry: July 19, 2005 --An occurence I considered a possible past-life memory at the time
**Note (July 31, 2006): It took me awhile to realize it, but I did eventually decide that this experience was not a past-life memory, or at the least, it didn't have anything to do with my therianthropy (regarding what my theriosides are; especially giving that the wolves looked like North American timber wolves, or a similar looking grey wolf subspecies, that was wandering a forest in the snow). I still do not know what it actually was, and I'm not sure if I ever will, but nevertheless I think it was an interesting experience and worth placing here.
Today [July 19th, 2005], I had a unique experience (at least for me) that might have had some deep meaning, but I’m not yet sure. I’m considering the possibility that I may have gotten a look at one of my past life experiences/memories, one of me as a wolf—just one of the possible explanations for it, though I don’t know, even with a confident belief yet that this is what happened. I do, of course, believe in past lives, but I haven’t had any memories of any of mine, at least that I know of. Normally I wouldn’t think that visualizations in my mind meant they were of one of my past lives, but this was different, quite different and more than just visualizations, which is why I’m seriously willing to consider the past life explanation. I had been thinking about past lives often at that time, but I’ve accepted that I’ll learn about mine when and if I’m ready, little by little, and that I’m not interested in remembering them and focusing on finding out more about them that much at this time. Besides, with all of the creative, random, and interesting images that occur in my mind each day, I wondered how I would be able to separate ones of past life memories from imagination, especially since my animal sides are an intertwined aspect of my life that are present to some extent (including forced and involuntary images in my head) everyday of my life now (and for quite sometime). I did, however, “ask” to see some of those memories if it was okay for my viewing of them to be ‘granted’. I’m not interested in seeing or learning about them so that I can dwell on them—my past—but so that I can learn from them, see some of where and what I’ve been and thus learn more about myself, especially my own soul, which is sacred to me. I recall asking to see one that night, basically asking for permission to view one, but then decided that that time may not have been very good because I had to wake up early (early for me) and I thought that I would spend too much time thinking about it before finally going to sleep. Well, after maybe a couple of hours, I may have been granted one, ironically, with it still costing my sleep, I don’t regret it though, not at all.
Now, you are probably wondering what made this experience so unique to me, and though I will try to decently describe it here, I really don’t remember enough at this time and can think very well of what to compare it to. To start off, like I said, it was about wolves, possibly me as a wolf (though I’m not sure) and I seem to recall it revolving around pack life. The thing that really stands out in my mind about it is that I remember it going on for about an hour or two (I have a clock I can see from my bed, but I wasn’t trying to time the beginning and end of this event). Sure, it would seem like it could have just been a dream, or even a semi-conscious dream (which I’ve had those), but I wasn’t asleep during it at all, or most of it, at least that’s what I recall. During it, I remember being awake and being able to function just fine consciously while laying in my bed—I could look around my room, identify the time, move my body, and even get some water to drink from a bottle beside my bed—but mind you, during this physical activity the experience still progressed. The best way I can think of describing it is that it was somewhat similar to semi-conscious dreaming in the aspect that I was aware of what was going on in it but wasn’t “experiencing” it like in a full dream, yet instead it was more like “watching” it—other than that it wasn’t like that type of dreaming. It was like watching a movie, but just like a real movie you can do more than just watch it, I could ‘close my eyes’ or walk away and it kept playing with me being able to “hear” it, so to speak. It seemed so very separate from my conscious mind, it was something, an experience that was playing all on its own, but I could decide whether I wanted to watch it, or just ‘listen’ to it (let it play out without my full attention), or even try to ignore it altogether, but I couldn’t stop it. The entire time, probably because I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep, I disregarded it as being anything significant, and saw it instead as being my mind in an overactive state while focusing on a single subject: wolves. It was keeping me from sleep, and I personally dislike for my mind to get so active with thoughts when I want to sleep. I would get pulled into it for most of the time, keeping my eyes closed and just letting it play while I watched. It was quite a strange experience for me.
As far as the details of the actual “movie” go, well, I don’t remember much, unfortunately and as much as I hate that to be the truth. I’ve tried remembering it, but come up with very little of what actually happened within that event. All I remember is what I’ve already stated, because I did say that I was more so trying to get out of that state and go to sleep, rather than pay attention to and remember it. Also, I fell asleep for about an hour, maybe more, after it, so that contributed to losing the information, and I didn’t even think of the experience’s possible significance until about an hour and a half after I woke up. I suppose I could somehow track down more of it from my memory, but that would be like me trying to remember on my own more details and such of a dream that I do not recall those other things—to find memories of a dream, or other experience, that I haven’t yet been able to recall. Well, if I somehow remember more of it, I will be grateful, but I’m thankful for the experience anyway, even though it cost me sleep and I don’t remember much of it, I’m still glad for it. Maybe I will experience more events similar to this one in the future or near future, and I’ll now be prepared for them and thus will try to record more in my memory of them. Maybe I’ll also be able to find out if they really are of past lives or just something else, which I know is really left to my own beliefs, but I would like more experience like that to work with to build a more confident belief off of.