Journal Entry: 12/21/2005 — Introspective thoughts on the species-type of Cat

I’m experiencing a strong feeling of discontent and what feels like dishonesty with myself pertaining to my therianthropy.  Now, I don’t know if I’ve actually been “lying” to myself and others (without consciously realizing it) about my therianthropy, but more so that I’ve been lying to myself lately and for months in regards to figuring out more about it.  After my bout over the summer with dhole vs. wolf for my canid side, I settled on “it seems to be pointing more toward wolf again, so I’ll still consider it wolf, at least for now, but leave dhole up as a possibility”, and after that I didn’t look into that one nor any of the other two (horse and cat) since then.  Cat, well, I’ve been settled on her the entire year in the sense of it being so generalized of a thought and idea of what she is–as in cat = feline, therefore any of them would be up for grabs as equal possibilities.  Now, I’m realizing that’s not the case, though until I narrow it down enough I of course don’t have a problem referring to my cat side (because she *is* me) as simply “Cat”; and that all those felines that I thought were equal possibilities, just don’t feel like it anymore.  For awhile, I expected that she’d be some more obvious, recognizable big cat, known as a Pantherine type of cat, such as a leopard, tiger, snow leopard, even puma (although, technically, they may be considered to be “small cats” not big cats), but more and more has, kind of inconspicuously it seems, been pointing to Cat being a lesser/small cat, known as Feline types of cats (damn taxonomical terms conflicting with common words).

Yep, though I can’t be sure at this time, but until I find evidence within myself to point otherwise, I believe I am some type of small cat for my cat side; which, however, still leaves a lot of possibilities out in the open.  I’m very confident in my ears being pointed, not rounded, tail length is iffy–I really don’t know about that, though I’d prefer to have a full length cat tail, I don’t know if I do (and please note, when I state it like that I mean ‘I’ as in “my cat (or other animal) side” not that my physical body is that way, obviously).  During one of my mental cat shifts back in March, I had a purring ‘session’ that I wasn’t consciously controlling, which also helps point toward small cats because they have a constant flow of purring (it continues as they breathe in and out), instead of being like a big cat that all, or most, can only do it while breathing out.  Ear tufts–that’s something I’m currently looking into on the account of my profound fascination with them (my drawings since middle school, on and off, have depicted cats, even canids, and hybrid fantasy animals with ear tufts many times; never figured out why exactly, and where from, especially for it to attract my attention so prominently), though I don’t know if my phantom cat ears have ear tufts on them, I just know they are pointed cat ears.  As mentioned times earlier, I’m looking into caracal as a possibility but I must admit that I am quite cautious because I don’t want to end up in the situation of “pigeonholing” myself into thinking that I’m like one in this way and that way when I’m not and never have been–to fill in the blank spots to squeeze myself in something I don’t belong, for something that I’m not.

At this time, I would be so happy to find out that I’m a caracal, even though they do have rather funny looking ‘half-length’ tails, but I don’t want to lead myself down the path of thinking I really *am* one if I’m not actually one.  Lynx is another strong possibility, even though I’m being resistant to seeing it as such, almost as though I’d be disappointed if it turns out being that, though I’m not completely sure as to why—maybe somewhat because I’ve never found a particular attraction for lynxes, not that I don’t like them at all or hate them, certainly no, but just that they’ve never stuck out in my mind and maybe the dramatic emphasis I’ve been seeing on them has also added to that (kind of similar to my situation with battling with myself over me having a wolf side), as also they have such short tails, and I will admit, I have a strong fascination with tails especially full length tails of cats and they are so amazing and expressive, to not have one (as in my cat side) seems just odd and foreign to me, so to speak, even a half-tail of a caracal is more acceptable.  Yeah, I know, more superficial reasons, but still, some of them should be noted by me as important because a lot of myself, thoughts, interests, and so many other things about me must be evaluated, searched, and made sense of or thrown out when I’m doing this kind of searching pertaining to my therianthropy; even the seemingly trivial little things can have so much meaning, as also even the seemingly large, conspicuous things may have zero to do with my personal therianthropy. 

This is indeed something very difficult to figure out, and when I decided last year [2004] that I have a non-human animal soul, then early this year [2005] figured out it was more than one animal which being (from what I’ve been able to tell and discover) are cat/felid, canid (leaning toward wolf, especially then), and horse (domestic, most likely), I stopped searching quite as hard except for wolf, but even then I didn’t search myself greatly, instead I was doing more so outside research on dholes, though at least I didn’t pigeonhole myself then.  But, since school started in late August, I’ve strayed from myself, which also meant that I strayed from searching for answers in regards to my therianthropy and doing more than just “settling” on the point I had reached.  Yes, on the Awereness Forums I’ve noticed people note that we shouldn’t fret and stress ourselves over narrowing down our species–truthfully, I’m not trying to narrow myself down to a particular subspecies unless I feel I really need to, such as if the subspecies vary significantly from each other (like with grey wolves), yet I’m not interested in doing that at this time, it’s one of those “I’ll cross that road when and if I get to it” things.

However, I am trying to narrow down my species because I honestly want to know; if my species isn’t really a single species but a combination of many put together, then I want to discover that at some point, be it soon or not, but if it is a particular species, I really do want to know that.  I want to know myself in that way, and I feel it is important for me to do that.  I’ll still maintain a strong connection to all cats in general as I always have, but to know myself in that way, to that extent, I would be so grateful to reach that point and achieve it, to have worked to attain that knowledge about myself, about my soul especially.  I feel as though I have allowed myself to just simply settle on these things and also allowed my human mind to override the vast majority of my non-human soul, my therian sides, which has left a feeling of emptiness that needs to be filled through what I was doing at some point early this year; I really *need* to get back to that.