Journal Entry: 2/23/2006 –Thoughts on Horse

Now I wonder if I should avoid watching shows about horses, or rather, shows that have horses in them being ridden by people, of whom the latter are the main focus.  Just by watching a show I’ve felt emotional and ‘distressed’, including a somewhat raised heart rate that’s given me a slight headache (about the equivalent of getting excited or anxious), seemingly coming as a result from Horse (though yes, my conscious human mind did allow the emotions to take place).  It was just a horse jumping series on Animal Planet, and there wasn’t anything emotional or distressing to it (just some upset teenagers that weren’t getting the victory they wanted; I didn’t even really pay attention to the ‘plot’ of it, I was just interested in watching the horses), but toward the end Horse just got kind of upset in regards to humans and domestic horses.  Even as I type this I feel it sounds kind of stupid (maybe just to express it), and I’m not going to bother going into details about it, but it did have to do with things that I’ve thought about for a long time (years and years, but most profoundly within the past year) pertaining to horses and my relation (therianthropic) to them. 

A few months ago, I was hoping that my horse side had been a mustang in a past life (seems to be one thing she/I wants so badly, at least), yet I’ve found various reasons to indicate that she was one owned by someone, probably someone who used ‘me’ for things like jumping, maybe some racing, I honestly don’t know (though I’m pretty sure I was ridden quite a bit during that life by one or numerous people).  I’ve thought, and still think for now, that my life as a horse was with my owner’s taking care of me well, and maybe they did, but now I’m also wondering if maybe there was some abuse or even just some tragic (from a horse’s standpoint that is) event that happened to me that’s obscurely (at this point in my mind at least) carried over in memory and feeling; or that I really was treated well and lived a full, healthy, nice life but always retained such a deep longing to be where I felt like I belonged–in the wild.

I wouldn’t have been aware of mustangs (in that past life), but there’s nothing to be aware of, the instinct to be a ‘feral’ horse was already within me and I’ve continued to feel that even throughout this lifetime, ever since I was a child.  So far I haven’t had much interest in my past lives, but I think there maybe some things worth figuring out in regards to learning from and applying forth that lesson to my life now, pertaining to Horse.  I will admit, Horse is ‘colder’ to humans than even Cat or Wolf, even Crow, though he isn’t a therioside (but I’ve had my long discussion on that matter), yet maybe that has somewhat to do with that she’s had a direct relationship and contact, a whole life of living with and under them, and I do wonder how she/I was treated during that life or what has really caused her ’emotional issues’, so to speak, for these things.  And by the way, although horses are very instinctual they can express certain levels of emotion, yet the emotions that have been carried over for me have been amplified and re-translated into the broader and deeper spectrum of human emotions and the human ability to express those in such vast ways (what would a horse be like if it could express emotions as a human?).

I swear, one of these days I really need to take a road trip out west at some point and get to see one of my long lasting, deeply spiritual dreams–to see mustangs running wild (and if not running, then just seeing them wild).  Although I know it would also greatly tear at me to witness it, I don’t even want to imagine how bad the phantom shifts would be, to actually get to see them especially if they were to take off in “flight” and run, to run as I can feel the desire so badly to do that’s been built up inside of me for so very long.  It’s wonderful to see horses running full force on TV and movies, but to actually see them doing it in person, but rather, born-feral horses, already intertwined within the wild again, to do it–my heart would race like never before, but it would be the closest I’d come to living that dream in this life except for actually riding a horse, however, I don’t even think riding one would create the feeling that watching wild mustangs would (I wonder if I could even bring myself to ride a horse, there seems to be a great awkwardness and irony there, as also Horse’s seemingly riding ‘issues’).