Musings on an Unknown Theriotype, Part 1: 3/30/2007
I’ve been meaning for quite awhile now to make an entry in which to talk about my ponderings over one of my theriosides–the supposedly canine one. Every time I think I have enough thoughts together coherently to talk about it, my mind changes and the coherent thoughts aren’t so coherent anymore, or I get tied down with something else and thus won’t devote the time to putting those thoughts down. Even now, I still don’t feel comfortable enough to talk much about it–on the account that it’s something that I can best work through, albeit slowly, in my mind, through my experiences, feelings, understandings, and so forth, and I’m still not yet ready to put it down in writing. Although, I’ll give the brief version–for over a year now I’ve been particularly looking into what my canine therioside is, and I’ve tried looking into various possibilities for different types of canines, with each attempt resulting in my mind giving the implication of “no, the answer’s not that way” and thus I would try a different one until I just took a large step back over the course of a couple of months and decided to consider something outside of the canine spectrum of species. I don’t have findings and results for that search yet to report back in words and I suspect it’s going to be quite awhile longer until I will. I’m looking into various types of animals, considering them on and off, slowly, but no particular ‘leads’ thus far that I’ve searched with depth yet (I’m basically trying to work through it enough to get a type of ‘lead’ because the categories are rather broad right now).
Maybe it is some type of canine, maybe one I didn’t consider well enough, or even one I did consider for awhile, or maybe it’s not canine–people make mistakes, and that can include in therianthropic introspection. It’s kind of the concept of me initially coming into the community thinking that I had a wolf therioside (along with a feline and a horse one) and putting that on repeat in my mind (and thus in posts on boards and my journal entries) for that whole year in 2005. Early last year I began to realize wolf, at least grey wolf, wasn’t right, it didn’t seem to fit, and so I sought to find the answer by searching into other canine species. Again, for half or more of the year I put the “my canid side” thing on repeat regardless of whether it reflected what I was currently believing at the time or not. It gnawed at the back of my mind increasingly over months until I rather hesitantly drew back sometime in December and stopped claiming it actively and either don’t mention that ‘third therioside’ or note it as ‘a therioside of some type I don’t know yet’, thus I got myself out of the mode of influencing myself with a type of animal (broad or specific) by not putting that concept on repeat in association with identifying myself, so to speak. If I don’t feel comfortable saying I have a canine theriotype, then it was, of course, the proper action to not claim it actively unless my thoughts change otherwise and I find out better what that therioside is, canine or not.
To some extent I miss not even mentioning things about my third therioside–how I experience it, even just little things–although granted even when I thought it was canine I never got into making writings about it, but did at least mention some things about it at times; and it’s somewhat ironic considering I’ve put together a lot pertaining to Cat and know so many ways in which I experience being cat in part, but I haven’t written much about it, but still I’ve made some writings that included some of my experiences as feline and I’ve spoken more about that part of myself in comments and forums. I do, however, have plans of making more, extensive, or in depth writings on Cat when I gather the words together well enough for it and get enough of a whim to write those thoughts out. As I became more and more unsure of what, even in general (let alone specifically), the type of animal my third therioside is, I became much more distant and silent in talking about it, even privately, but especially publicly. It’s a good thing in some ways though–I’m just not fond of the idea of me openly speaking about “my theriotype is [blank]…” and then weeks or a month or so later say it’s something else, and then something else, etc., on the account that I just have to be honest with myself and admit and know that I don’t know what it is and that it likely will be quite awhile until I know. There’s just no point in me claiming almost on whims or on shakey assumptions to be this or that animal therianthropically when it brings no comfort of my honesty for me, or if it would it would be falsely established comfort provided by me making lies to myself and others about me–because I want to validate this for myself, and that’s not something that’s likely to come on some whim for which I should quickly start ‘publicizing’, so to speak, that “discovery” when I haven’t taken at least enough time to verify if it’s right. In essence, if I’m right about it then I can take the time to better make sure I’m correct–which doesn’t mean I have to wait years before speaking of that discovery but just to not jump quickly within a few weeks or month or so to state the claim that I am [insert animal]. I don’t want to let myself get caught up in thinking every “lead” I get to what my third theriotype is, is the ‘correct’ answer, especially since my therianthropic aspects are rather ‘jumbled’ and abstract anyway.
My therianthropy manifests through a very wide variety of aspects, be they ‘shifts’, behavioral, ‘mindsets’, body-oriented thought, or other things and they aren’t in any organized manner in how I think of them–I just experience them, or at least that was the case until a couple of years ago when I came across the concept of therianthropy and began introspecting on my own but the ‘organization’ didn’t start much until sometime early last year. Sure, I knew some aspects that correlated or came from Horse and Cat, and some I thought were correlated to Canid–though of course I came to eventually find they weren’t canine–they were enough correlations and understandings that I felt comfortable and confident enough to state that I am therianthropically feline, horse, and canine, while leaving avian on the side as totemic until I would (and will eventually) get that figured out better. Since that time I have found myself able to verify horse and cat as such, and thus along the way I’ve been able to recognize more and more aspects of myself that are attributes of or come from Cat and Horse.
It kind of goes back to my “puzzle analogy” about figuring out my therianthropy and specifics of it, with the pieces of various different images/puzzles scattered and I give myself the task of organizing them into coherent images without being sure what they are or look like ahead of time–I have only assumptions to go off of based on individual pieces and few partially aligned groups of pieces that look like they are part of a particular image of [blank], and sometimes I get them wrong, sometimes I put pieces together that don’t belong together, and sometimes I get confused by looking for ones that are therianthropic while not realizing well enough which of the pieces are therianthropic and which are of something else. It takes time, and a lot of that time is just spent not even actively trying to shove pieces together, but instead just looking at the pieces laid out before me and eventually getting an epiphany that gives me an idea of some to piece together and/or what the image is that they are a part of. And thus, when it comes to putting these aspects, or pieces, into written words I’m not always comfortable with expressing them in what I recognize as a ‘scattered’ way, not knowing which are aligned to what, and therefore prefer for them to be at least more organized than that rather than just rolling off in writing “I do this, this, and this” kind of thing–almost reminiscent of therian introductions of people naming off their ‘standard list of therianthropy traits’ (which I’ve never liked doing, myself), but for me it being that without even a general animal ‘type to apply/attribute that list of traits to, or with not enough thought and verification behind which ones I feel are applied to what.
At this point, I’m not yet open to trying to describe what the possible aspects are of my third theriotype, though I’ve considered mentioning some of them, or even trying to make a very rough ‘list’ of some, but I’m not comfortable with that yet since they’re still mixed up too much right now and I’m too far into seeing which ones are likely therianthropic and which ones I should disregard for now to being of something else. This is just something I have to look through and introspect on for awhile without words to describe my thoughts and possible findings along the way until I reach a certain point. Therefore, I’m working vastly off of abstract aspects, feelings, understandings, and thoughts without thinking of them in terms of words because ultimately I’m continuing to think this theriotype is an animal I don’t have much knowledge about–for its appearance, behaviors, habitat, and various other aspects–there’s also the possibility it may be an animal I haven’t seen an image of before, or if I’ve seen an image of it I haven’t been able to ‘organize’, per se, enough of my aspects to realize, let alone to better verify, that that is what it is. Maybe it’s some type of mongoose (and most of those I can’t find much info on them and images; though I do have the Animal Planet documentaries on meerkats to give me some idea of behavior for species of mongoose with similar behaviors–I’m not finding my theriotype to be meerkat though, by the way), or civet or genet (few images of those and little information on them), a type of rodent (rodents cover a large, broad category and I’m going to have to narrow that down with some leads from my aspects), even possibly something in the raccoon family, as well as various other possible animals I either haven’t considered yet or are lower down at this time on my list of potential answers, including some types of canines (foxes or jackals) and I’ll also consider looking into types of marsupials–I’m just not very sure, as far as describing in words and putting a species or even taxonomic Family name on it, what kind of animal I am looking for regarding this theriotype. So the fairly passive but extensive-in-time search shall continue.